No! No! Get away! Get away!
No! Go on away! Go on away!
Here, boy! Here! What's the matter?
Dr. Terwilliker. What happened?
What's going on around here? Dreaming again.
I can't leave the room for five minutes. What were you dreaming about this time?
I was being chased by a big bunch of men with nets.
Nets? Why can't you dream about practicing the piano?
I'll try.
If you don't practice, you'll never become a concert pianist.
Practice makes perfect. I'm trying to practice.
One month to get that piece learned before my recital. ♪
One month before I present my pupils in a grand concert.
And I'm not going to let one dreary little boy humiliate me. Do you understand?
I don't think the piano is my instrument.
What other instruments are there, pray tell?
Scratchy violins? Screechy piccolos?
Nauseating trumpets? Et cetera, et cetera!
- We'll make a Paderewski of you. - Who?
- Paderewski! - Oh!
Now I want you to practice and practice and practice...
until you are perfect!
Good day, young man.
Well, that's my problem.
Dr. Terwilliker's the only enemy I've got.
I can't think of one nice thing to say about him because there isn't any.
Bart, darling.
That's my mother. I like her.
I try to be everything she wants me to be,
particularly since my father died.
But, boy, she's as hipped on the piano as Dr. Terwilliker. Bart, darling.
Watch.
Is that as loud as you can play?
Now, now, sweetheart, not that loud.
And not that soft.
Bart, I hate to hound you.
I know you think I'm a mean slave driver,
but you really are missing the beats.
Listen, like Dr. Terwilliker says in the book:
♪ Ten little dancing maidens dancing, oh, so fine ♪
♪ Ten happy, little fingers and they're mine, all mine ♪
♪ They're mine, they're mine Now isn't that just fine ♪
♪ Not three, not five Not seven and not nine ♪
♪ But ten, all dancing straight in line ♪ ♪
♪ Line ♪
♪ And all of them are mine, mine, mine ♪
♪ Yes, they are mine All mine ♪
That's better. Now you have it.
I'll get it! I'll get it!
- Bart, I'll get it. - I'll get it.
Hello. Oh, Peggy.
Uh-huh. ♪ Ten little dancing maidens dancing, oh, so fine ♪
♪ Ten happy, little fingers and they're mine, all mine ♪
♪ They're mine, they're mine Now isn't that just fine ♪
♪ Not three, not five Not seven and not nine ♪
♪ But ten, all dancing straight in line ♪
♪ And all of them are mine, mine, mine ♪
♪ Yes, they are mine All mine ♪
That's Bart you hear. Uh-huh. Still hates it like poison.
Sometimes I think that Dr. Terwilliker has my mother hypnotized.
Holy mackerel, I'll bet you that she...
That noise is my friend, Mr. Zabladowski, the plumber.
He knows all about the piano, but he's afraid to say so in front of my mother.
He thinks Dr. Terwilliker is a real racketeer.
A 100-percent, gold-plated phony.
Double phony.
Psst. Mr. Zabladowski.
Don't give me any more trouble. Your job is pianos. My job is sinks.
Tell me, is Dr. Terwilliker really a racketeer?
Did you tell him Dr. Terwilliker was a racketeer?
- Oh, I did not. - Keys, darling.
Now look here, Mr. Zabladowski, ♪
You may be the best plumber in town,
but when it comes to piano lessons,
I hardly think you qualify as an expert.
I'm not trying to qualify as anything.
You certainly aren't helping me maintain discipline.
It's not an easy thing to bring up a boy without a father.
I realize that. And maybe you're right.
Maybe even if he never learns to play the piano,
maybe the discipline's good for him anyway.
There are no maybes about it. I know what's good for him.
He's going to learn to play that piano if I have to keep him at that keyboard forever.
Forever?
Dr. Terwilliker says I gotta practice.
Practice makes perfect. Practice makes perfect.
Practice makes...
That's not bad. But not good.
That's still not loud enough, still not fast enough!
Rhythm's still off! Still misses the beats!
What? It takes time.
It takes years.
Sometimes it actually does take forever. What?
My watch tells me that's all we can hope to do today.
Tomorrow, however... Oh, tomorrow! What a day!
At 6:00 a.m. sharp, all the others will arrive. What others?
Well, I say, you don't think I built this great piano just for you?
Have you no concept that I am on the eve of my greatest triumph?
Tomorrow, I will fulfill the dream of my lifetime.
Tomorrow, the Terwilliker Institute...
my "happy finger" institute...
Tomorrow, we will celebrate the official grand opening!
Tomorrow, down below me I will have 500 little boys.
Five thousand little fingers.
And they'll be mine, all mine.
Practicing 24 hours a day,
365 days a year!
I don't believe it! This is crazy!
Who are you to tell me what is crazy? Away! Go back to your cell!
And put on your official Terwilliker beanie!
"Happy Fingers"?
Here! Uh-uh, uh-uh!
Sport! Sporty!
Practice makes perfect. Practice makes perfect.
Practice makes perfect. Practice makes perfect. Practice makes perfect.
Practice makes perfect. Practice makes perfect.
Bartholomew Collins!
The years you spend with Dr. Terwilliker...
will be the happiest years of your life.
But if you get homesick, don't try to escape.
The barbed wire around the Terwilliker Institute...
is electrified!
Electrified! Electrified!
Mr. Zabladowski! Mr. Zabladowski!
Please, Bart, I'm a very busy plumber. What are you doing here?
What am I always doing? I'm putting in sinks.
For what? It's obvious.
Before Terwilliker can open this institute,
he's got to make the whole joint sanitary.
Got to have the proper sinkage for 500 kids.
That's my department. And that's your cell.
I gotta get outta here. Relax. Don't take these little things so seriously.
After all, seeing as how your mother's here... My mother's here?
That's a silly question. You know very well she's in the number two spot.
The number two spot? Second in charge of the whole "happy finger" racket.
My ma couldn't be mixed up in any racket.
Look, partner, I hate to speak badly about mothers.
After all, motherhood is the noblest institution in our land.
The fact remains that your ma is in the number two spot at headquarters right now.
She wouldn't keep me in a place like this. I gotta see her.
I wouldn't advise it. You'll never make it. I can try.
Well, I wouldn't try.
I know. All you'd ever try for is time and a half for overtime.
Terwilliker Institute. Collins speaking.
Yes, madame. The official grand opening is tomorrow morning.
Your son will be picked up by bus at 5:00 a.m. sharp.
Collins speaking. No, madame, most definitely not.
Your son will not be allowed to bring his baseball.
Dr. Terwilliker does not believe in baseballs, golf balls, basketballs or tennis balls,
Ping-Pong balls, snowballs, croquet balls or hockey pucks.
Dr. Terwilliker believes only in the piano.
See here, you beanie-makers.
This final batch just isn't up to snuff.
Take a look at those fingers.
Would you say they were happy fingers?
They should be gay, carefree, happy fingers.
Fix them, if you have to stay up all night.
Psst. Mom. Mom!
Mrs. Collins, why are you standing there...
with that null-and-void expression?
No, don't tell me!
I know the workings of your mind, Mrs. Collins.
You've been thinking of your son again!
How many times must I tell you to burn that picture?
You've room in your life but for one picture.
My picture, Mrs. Collins! Your future husband!
Have I not graciously condescended to take your hand in marriage tomorrow,
immediately following the official grand opening?
Sergeant Lunk reporting to headquarters.
Cell number one. The boy is not in it.
The boy is not in it? Well, search for him! Find him!
Yes, sir, Dr. Terwilliker, sir.
Your son. And you said he could be trusted.
Tonight of all nights, Mrs. Collins.
The very night before my institute opens,
and your son dares to flaunt my authority!
So he doesn't like the neat, clean, comfortable cell which I've given him, eh?
Very well! From now on, he doesn't have to sleep there!
From now on, Mrs. Collins, your boy sleeps in the dungeons!
Mrs. Collins, turn on searchlights number one to fifty, inclusive!
Pursuit Squadron A! Where in thunderation are you?
We're working north, sir,
from the barbed wire on the south side! Good, good.
Where's Pursuit Squadron B? We're working south, sir,
from the barbed wire on the north side.
Mrs. Collins, searchlights 50 to 90, inclusive!
Twin guards! Where are you?
Judson! Whitney!
We're down here, sir, searching the piano!
Idiots! The piano would be the last place he'd hide!
Search the alleys! Beat the bushes! Comb the turrets!
Shake the trees!
That boy might be anywhere.
He might even be in this building!
Mrs. Collins, light this building!
Pull manifold switch 902!
No, Sport! Sport, no! Go away! Go on!
Oh, fine.
Jeepers, am I glad to see you!
Get out of there. You scared the daylights out of me, Bart.
What are you doing? Simmer down, will you? What's up?
They're after me! Who?
Practically everybody. I'm not.
I'm in terrible trouble. So? Everyone gets into trouble.
Everyone in the world. The king of Persia sometimes even gets into trouble.
But the king of Persia, does he come crawling out of my air vent? Not at all.
The King of Persia, he stays in Persia.
But it's my ma! Dr. Terwilliker's got her!
You should see the things that go on!
I need your help! I need... Please, my heart bleeds for you,
but if I don't get these sinks installed in the cells, I don't get paid!
I don't get my money! You're not going to help me?
You would get involved if you only knew the truth.
If I only knew what truth? The truth about my mother.
She's in a terrible fix. Dr. Terwilliker, he's got her buffaloed!
I am entirely too busy to sit around and talk about buffaloes.
But you're my only hope. Well, just give up hope right here and now.
Boy, I'd hate to have you for a father.
Just what makes you think I'd want to be your father?
My mother's going to marry Dr. Terwilliker.
- Hmm, congratulations. - He's even worse than you are.
Well, children seldom have a choice of parents,
and that, perhaps, is a good thing too.
Uh, if kids had their way, practically no parents would be born at all.
- What are you doing? - Rowing a boat.
What for? I'm going fishing.
They're gonna drop a net over you.
Now what are you doing? Just casting, for big-mouth bass.
Okay, okay. For big-mouth bass.
Look, if you're gonna cast, why don't you cast right? Move over. Give me the line.
First of all, reel in your line. You got too much slack.
Now once you get it in, just pick it up and flick it, like throwing a baseball. See?
Hey! Look at that fish jump! Over by the lily pads!
He's a whopper. Watch this delicate maneuver.
I got him. You got him! You got him!
He's beautiful. Don't yank him! You'll lose him!
Look at him fight. You're letting your line get tangled.
You're letting him swim under the boat! You're gonna get snagged!
Oh, a Zabladowski never gets snagged. Take it easy.
Look, partner, will you get the net? Get the net, buster.
Take it easy. You'll tip over the boat. Easy now. Wait 'til I...
Put it underneath there.
Get a load of that. Isn't that a beautiful bass?
Weighs seven pounds if it weighs an ounce.
Now I'll have to clean the darn thing. Don't worry.
I'll clean it. You take it easy.
I'll row you back to camp. No, I can handle my share. I'll take care of the oars.
You be the captain, I'll be the crew.
I think I'll just coast for awhile.
♪ Dream stuff Dream stuff ♪
♪ Funny thing about this dream stuff ♪
♪ First it's there ♪
♪ Then nowhere ♪
♪ Dream stuff Dream stuff ♪
♪ Ever fleeting Ever shifting ♪
♪ Yet we could keep it from drifting ♪
♪ If we'd only dare ♪
♪ Grasp that world ♪
♪ You've been to ♪
♪ Carry it right into ♪
♪ Bright blue day ♪
♪ Feel it, Seal it ♪
♪ Don't let anybody steal it ♪
♪ Most of all keep any doubt away ♪
♪ Then you can make it stay ♪
♪ Dream stuff ♪
♪ Ever fleeting Ever shifting ♪ ♪
♪ Yet we could keep it from drifting ♪
♪ If we'd only dare ♪
♪ Grasp that world ♪
♪ You've been to ♪
♪ Carry it right into ♪
♪ Bright blue day ♪
♪ Feel it, Seal it ♪
♪ Don't let anybody steal it ♪
♪ Most of all keep any doubt away ♪
♪ Then you can ♪
♪ Make it stay ♪
Yeah, I know what happens now.
In the middle of the night you'll start sneezing.
Then you'll start coughing. You may even come down with a case of pneumonia.
At a time like this, with no penicillin!
This doesn't make sense! The fishing trip is off!
You mean you're not gonna help me? No, I'm not gonna help you.
But my mother's a prisoner. I don't believe it.
Look, Mr. Zabladowski, I promise not to disturb you anymore.
I promise to stay out of your hair.
I promise to do anything you want me to,
if you'll just go and take a look.
You are a sly,
deceiving, scheming little coot.
So I'll "just go and take a look."
Come on. You want to be a hero. Come on.
As soon as we get there, we'll both rush in.
We'll grab her quick and carry her away to safety.
Relax. I'll take a look like I promised.
But you'll stay here, and you'll behave yourself.
She doesn't look like a prisoner to me.
- But she is, I tell you. - I'll go and ask her.
Wow.
Say, Dr. Terwilliker...
Abba-ka-dibbrinka-dabbrinka-dilliker,
T-e-r-w-i-l-l-illiker.
Where'd you study? I just picked it up.
What's the idea of trying to put the whammy on me? I just came to take a look.
Now that you've had your look, be gone.
Whatever your duties in my institute may be,
return to your post and resume your labors.
Oh, no, I won't. I've come to the conclusion, for your information,
that I'm not putting in any more sinks.
But, dear Mr. Zabladowski, you must.
If this man doesn't put in the sinks, the county sink inspector...
won't certify the place as sanitary.
And we won't be able to open the institute tomorrow. That's all right with me.
Good-bye. Please, I'm sure it's all been a mistake.
Dear Dr. Terwilliker thought you were an intruder.
It was a case of mistaken identity, wasn't it, Dr. Terwilliker?
Of course, dear boy.
Whether you know it or not, you are a cog in this great operation.
I'm no cog. I don't even like the sound of it.
I am an independent contractor.
Well, let me put it this way.
You're a key man and a valuable ally,
a big wheel within all my wheels.
You, if I may say so, alone, of all my people,
are the indispensable man.
Well, that's probably true, but I'm still not satisfied.
I've heard rumors about your operation. Rumors? Scuttlebutt!
I can tell you all about the rumors.
I'm a villain.
I'm a loathsome... racketeer.
This money you see before you,
I've stolen it...
from the pocketbooks of unsuspecting mothers.
Filthy... lying... rumors!
This is a problem that every great man faces.
The rumors of corruption that breeds in high places.
Rumors seeking to discredit my noble aims!
And now these rumors have crept into my own house,
vilifying and besmirching my honesty,
my fair name, my integrity!
You talk a lot, but I don't know how much you say.
Mr. Zabladowski,
there isn't anything at all to these silly, old rumors.
The sole purpose of our endeavor is the musical betterment of American youth.
You know, the way you put it, it doesn't sound so bad.
You're a sensitive, intelligent and highly creative person!
Let's talk this over. I'm sure we can get together.
I've still got my doubts, serious doubts.
Mr. Zabladowski...
Make yourself comfortable. Relax. Have a smoke.
Have a cigar.
Don't mind if I do.
Something to eat? Hotcakes, layer cakes, fish cakes,
peanut brittle, the blue plate special or chicken pot pie?
Don't mind if I do.
Something to drink?
Schnapps, sake, slivovitz, Schwepps,
tequila, turtle tears or just plain cocoa?
I have no objection. Oh, but wait!
For such a distinguished guest, the pride of our cellars!
Vintage pickle juice.
From our very own pickle vineyards.
Just whiff that bouquet.
Cheers. Yes.
Shall we dance?
Don't mind if I do.
♪ Come on, it's time we got together ♪
♪ 'Cause it's get-together weather ♪
♪ And in get-together weather together is just what we got to get ♪
♪ Come on the weatherman's insisting ♪
♪ This is weather beyond resisting ♪
♪ This is get-together weather Together is just what we got to get ♪
♪ What wonderful weather to go on an outing ♪
♪ What wonderful weather to run around shouting ♪
♪ What wonderful weather for love to be sprouting ♪
♪ It's mighty fine weather I hope that it stays ♪
♪ What glorious weather for zipping and zooming ♪
♪ What glorious weather for hearts to be blooming ♪
♪ What glorious weather for briding and grooming ♪
♪ It's mighty fine weather we're having these days ♪
♪ Come on The weatherman's reporting ♪
♪ That the weather's right for sporting ♪
♪ And for love and assorted courting ♪
♪ Together is just what we got to get ♪
♪ What marvelous weather for cooing and billing ♪
♪ For yodeling, warbling gargling, trilling ♪
♪ What marvelous weather for dally-down-dilling ♪
♪ What marvelous weather Hey, hey, what a day ♪
♪ What fabulous weather for loping and leaping ♪ ♪ What fabulous weather ♪
♪ For bipping and beeping ♪ ♪ For schnipping and schnupping and schnooping and schneeping ♪
♪ What fabulous weather Oy vey, what a day ♪
♪ Come on The weatherman's announcing ♪
♪ That the weather's right for flouncing ♪
♪ And for b-b-b-b-b-bouncing This is get-together weather ♪
♪ Together is just what we got to get ♪
♪ Come on The weatherman's announcing ♪
♪ That the weather's right for flouncing ♪
♪ And for b-b-b-b-b-bouncing This is get-together weather ♪
♪ Together is just what we've got to get ♪
That was a pleasant little interlude.
Now get back to your work, Mr. Zabladowski. Thanks a lot, Doctor.
I had a very good time. You can count on me, sir. I won't let you down.
Cigar?
Good-bye, Mrs. Collins.
Mrs. Collins, get me the physics laboratory. Yes, sir.
One moment, please. The physics laboratory.
When the plumber Zabladowski has installed the last sink,
I want him disintegrated.
I want you to disintegrate him slowly.
I want him to suffer, atom by atom.
At dawn!
Mrs. Collins, you had better come with me.
You're beginning to build up an immunity to my little hypnotic trances.
I think you'd better spend tonight in your lock-me-tight.
Please, Dr. Terwilliker! There's too much at stake.
There will be no further liaisons tonight with the plumber Zabladowski.
Mr. Zabladowski! You!
You get out of my life. You lied to me.
I did not. You did so.
There's nothing wrong with that Dr. Terwilliker. He's a little daffy,
but he sets a fine table, and he gave me this excellent cigar.
But how about my mother?
Say, there is a beautiful woman. As soon as I get the sinks...
You were tricked, Mr. Zabladowski.
Sure, I was tricked. And you tricked me.
But I have terrible news for you.
They're gonna disintegrate you at dawn.
Disinte... You're crazy.
You're lying again. Now, get out of here. I got work to do.
You listen to a kid, it gives you nothing but trouble.
Go on! Get back to your cell!
Go on!
♪ Now just because we're kids ♪
♪ Because we're sort of small ♪
♪ Because we're closer to the ground ♪
♪ And you are bigger pound by pound ♪
♪ You have no right You have no right ♪
♪ To push and shove us little kids around ♪
♪ Now just because your throat ♪
♪ Has got a deeper voice ♪
♪ And lots of wind to blow it out ♪
♪ At little kids who don't dare shout ♪
♪ You have no right You have no right ♪
♪ To boss and beat us little kids about ♪
♪ Just because you've whiskers on your face to shave ♪
♪ You treat us like a slave ♪
♪ So what, it's only hair ♪
♪ Just because you wear a wallet near your heart ♪
♪ You think you're twice as smart ♪
♪ You know that isn't fair ♪
♪ But we'll grow up some day ♪
♪ And when we do, I pray ♪
♪ We won't just grow in size and sound ♪
♪ And just be bigger pound by pound ♪
♪ I'd hate to grow like some I know ♪
♪ Who push and shove us little kids around ♪
Hey, kid.
Hey, Bart. Come here. Come here.
No.
Would it help any if I said I was sorry?
No, 'cause you're not a bit sorry.
Ah, come here, Bart. Come on over here. No.
I just want to get one thing straight.
I didn't mean to push you around.
I don't like anybody that pushes anybody around.
Now do you believe me?
Well... maybe.
Right now, I don't like you very much.
Ah, come on. I'm a likable fellow when you get to know me.
I'm not so sure anymore. How can we be friends again?
Well... you could start by taking out those sinks.
Take the sinks out? What good would that do?
It would stop Terwilliker from opening this place, and my ma would be saved.
Bart, I already told you, I wouldn't worry about your ma.
You wouldn't, but I would.
Look, partner, let's make sense, shall we?
How can I start taking sinks out when I'm being paid to put the sinks in?
Time and a half overtime. That's a lot of money.
How much are you being paid overtime?
Two thousand pastoolas. Two thousand what?
Two thousand pastoolas. Dr. T. does not pay me in American money.
He keeps that for himself. He pays me in pastoolas. What are pastoolas?
If you must know, the currency here is a little strange.
First of all, in the small money comes the drakmids.
At the regular normal rate of exchange,
there are 59 drakmids to one silver zlobek.
Zlobek? Three silver zlobeks make one golden kratchmuk.
A pastoola normally is 44,000 kratchmuks.
But these, they tell me, are not normal times, so...
Pastoolas, kratchmuks. How much do you get American?
Precisely 20 bucks. Show me a better job, and I'll take it.
You will? Oh, sure, sure.
If I give you 30 bucks will you take the sinks out? Oh, sure, sure.
Will you shake on that? Oh, sure.
Mr. Zabladowski, you're working for me now. Okay, boss man.
I'm gonna get you all the money you want!
Now wait a second. Bart! Come back!
I was kidding about the money! I don't care about money!
Mom! Mom!
Now, I don't recollect your features, do I? No.
You a piccolo player? No.
Trombone player? No.
Violin player? No... a piano player.
Then you have no right in this particular dungeon.
This is reserved exclusive for non-piano players.
Non-piano players?
For them what play all other instruments.
One by one, Dr. Terwilliker catches them, brings them down here and locks them up.
Pretty soon there will be no musicians left in this world...
excepting for them what play the piano.
I'm taking you back to Dr. Terwilliker.
Ow! Oh!
Attention, all guards!
The number one boy is in the lower dungeons. Bring him in! Dead or alive!
Attention, all guards! The number one boy is in the lower dungeons!
Bring him in! Dead or alive!
So, you didn't believe me.
Your life isn't worth a pastoola.
People should always believe in kids. They should even believe their lies.
Now you gonna help me? From here on in, partner, we're in this thing together.
You've welched out on me before. But I give you my word of honor.
I'm taking no chances. We're gonna seal this oath in blood.
Won't that be a little messy?
Oh, no, Bart, not after four years in the army. I don't have to...
Give me your thumb. Ouch.
Doesn't really hurt. It does so.
Do you, Mr. Zabladowski, promise to be...
trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly? I do.
Courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful? I do.
Thrifty, brave, clean and reverent? I do.
Well, that's it, Pop.
"Pop"? Didn't you know? This makes you my old man.
Yeah, I guess you're right. I guess it does at that.
Then let's get going. We've got to save your wife.
My "wife"? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, my wife. Come on.
Wait a second. There's a whole regiment of soldiers out there.
Any other way to get to headquarters? There's one other way.
Follow me. Come on.
We might need this.
Psst. Mom? Wake up. Wake up.
Why, Bartholomew.
Go away! Don't let him catch you!
Go home! Don't worry, Mom. We're all going home!
"All going home"? Who is this with you?
August Zabladowski, your plumber and husband. Stand back.
Thank you, dear August. Thank you, my dear... Say, what is her first name?
It's Eloise. Come on. There's no time for any mush stuff.
We can't get out. The twins are at the end of the tunnel.
The twins, huh? I'm getting sick and tired of being pushed around.
Get me a snort of that pickle juice.
You shouldn't drink that stuff. It's dynamite.
Go on. Get it. I'll show those Siamese hooligans.
If they want to fight on skates, I'll fight 'em on skates.
Here's to our future, if we have one.
Now, now, just don't be too heroic, dear August.
August, you were magnificent! We're a magnificent family.
Come on, let's get out of here. Yeah, Pop!
We won, we won, we won!
I, on the other hand, am inclined to doubt that statement.
You play a rather spirited game, Mr. Plumber,
but the final score is the thing that counts.
My side is still on top.
Your side is on the bottom.
♪ A roota de toot A roota de toot ♪
♪ Terwilliker-illiker Institute ♪
♪ Hooray for us ♪ ♪ Hooray for us ♪
♪ Hurrah for us ♪ ♪ Hurrah for us ♪
♪ We're rough, we're tough we're on the ball ♪
♪ We're gruesome one We're gruesome all ♪
♪ Unthinkable, stinkable horrible us ♪
♪ Hooray, we are victorious Victorious ♪
♪ Now isn't that too glorious ♪
♪ Our nasty team notorious ♪
♪ Us gruesome, grimy, gory us ♪
♪ Us stinkers are victorious ♪
♪ We ain't too neat We ain't too bright ♪
♪ But nevertheless we won tonight ♪
♪ Unthinkable, stinkable horrible us ♪
♪ Hooray, we are victorious Victorious ♪
♪ Terwilliker we sing to thee ♪
♪ Our cruel, black hearts we bring to thee ♪
♪ For crime and slimy villainy ♪
♪ Terwilliker Academy ♪
♪ Oh, the walls are green with ivy down at Harvard ♪
♪ And down at Princeton and old Purdue ♪
♪ In old Purdue ♪
♪ So what They think they're smart with all their ivy ♪
♪ Us at Terwilliker got ivy too ♪
♪ Got ivy too ♪
♪ Yeah, Hail to thee our hallowed halls ♪
♪ We got poison ivy walls ♪
♪ Pooh on Harvard, Yale and such ♪
♪ We got ivy they can't touch ♪
♪ Poison-ivy-covered walls ♪
♪ Hail to thee our hallowed halls ♪
♪ Hallowed halls ♪
♪ Terwilliker Thy name we praise ♪
♪ We love thy foul and loathsome ways ♪
♪ Thy crummy criminality ♪
♪ Terwilliker Academy ♪
♪ Alma mater Alma mater ♪
♪ Never, ever could be greater ♪
♪ Rotten as a bad tomater ♪
♪ Alma mater, Row-dee-dee-dow- dee-dow-dee-dow ♪
♪ We're rough, we're tough we're on the ball ♪
♪ We're gruesome one We're gruesome all ♪
♪ Unthinkable, stinkable horrible us ♪
♪ Hooray, hooray ♪
♪ We are victorious ♪
Alas, poor Judson. Alas, poor Whitney.
I knew them.
Fellows of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.
My gorge rises at their fate!
You shall be avenged!
Tomorrow's opening concert...
will be dedicated to your memory.
And you will return to your lock-me-tight.
You will remain there until I release you for the official grand opening.
The work for the "happy finger" method must go on.
And you... and you, you will follow me!
Allow me to express my deepest appreciation, pal.
Without your kind assistance, I never would have been here.
Down, please.
♪ First floor dungeon ♪
♪ Assorted simple tortures ♪
♪ Molten lead, chopping blocks ♪
♪ And hot, boiling oil ♪
♪ Second floor dungeon ♪
♪ Jewelry department ♪
♪ Leg chains, ankle chains ♪
♪ Neck chains, wrist chains ♪
♪ Thumb screws and nooses ♪
♪ Of the very finest rope ♪
♪ Basement dungeon ♪
♪ Everybody ♪
♪ Out ♪
I'm sure you'll find this a most fascinating dungeon.
That lovely rumbling sound is one of my favorite prisoners.
He was a bass drummer in an orchestra I conducted. Had a very bad habit.
Do you know that part in Beethoven's Fifth Symphony...
where the drummer is supposed to go boom-boom-boom-boom?
This stupid lout always went boom-boom-boom-boom-a-boom.
One extra boom, you know. He'll be here forever.
You mean he has to keep beating that drum forever?
Oh, that isn't the man I'm punishing.
My man is inside the drum.
Please, Dr. Terwilliker, let me out!
Let me out!
And I'm sure you're eager to get settled in your cage.
Now, let me see, where do we have a vacancy?
How about apartment 22-J?
A capital suggestion, Stroogo!
One of our finest.
In there? I'm sure you'll find it very cozy.
There was nary a complaint from our last five tenants.
Now then, farewell, Mr. Plumber.
Our paths will never cross again.
But as for you, young man, every morning at dawn,
you will be dragged upstairs to my piano!
But the glorious hour is fast approaching.
The other children must be arriving. I must hurry and dress.
Are you prepared? Let me see your fingers!
Are they limber? Are they happy?
♪ Ten little dancing maidens dancing, oh, so fine ♪
♪ Ten happy fingers and they're mine, all mine ♪
♪ They're mine, they're mine Now isn't that just fine ♪
♪ Not three, not five Not seven nor not nine ♪
I'm sorry I got you into this, Pop.
It's not, quite frankly, a wholesome situation.
I'm under the impression that a number of frogs, toads...
and possibly dinosaurs have died and lie unburied in our immediate vicinity.
Fortunately, though, I do have my bottle of Air Fix.
It does smell better.
- How does that thing work? - It's a simple, scientific principle.
Say, for instance, an obnoxious odor is lurking there.
I raise the cork from my bottle,
a tiny, invisible hand reaches up from the bottle,
it pounces, smell's in the bottle and nobody smells it.
Say, maybe something like this is the answer.
Answer to what? The whole piano racket.
This bottle is a smell fix. What we need is a music fix.
Music in the air...
No more music. Nobody hears it.
If I could hide a music fix next to that piano,
then when those 500 kids start playing...
Yeah, yeah. All the music goes into the bottle.
Yeah, and if Terwilliker's piano can't make music,
that wrecks his racket, and we'd all be free.
Oh, splendid. Splendid.
It's our only chance. We'll have to make one.
Oh, sure, sure. Sure. We've got this bottle to start with.
Just pour the smell-catching gookum out, and put some music-catching machinery in.
That's ridiculous. I have no scientific paraphernalia.
We'll just have to use the stuff we've got.
I got plenty of stuff:
String, a washer, radio crystal,
a chain, a ring, a peanut,
a top and... Oh, Bart, please.
It's gotta work. It's just gotta!
Bubble gum, Ping-Pong ball, jackknife,
buttons, yo-yo, checkers,
top, whistle, buckle, marble.
Well, that ought to do it. Well, to make a music fix out of this may take a bit of time.
Come on. Let's see what we've got.
Testing, one, two, three, four.
Testing.
We gotta keep tryin'! We gotta keep tryin'!
Come on, come on. Come on, boys.
Hey.
Wow.
Testing, one, two, three, four.
Testing.
It's no use, Bart. What we need is some sound equipment.
Say, how about his hearing aid?
It brings noises into his ear.
Why couldn't it bring noises into our bottle?
Bring up the prisoner,
- Bartholomew Collins! - On the double, sir!
Hurry up! Hurry up! Does it work?
Wait a second. I'll try it.
It works! It works!
Boy, oh, boy! Am I gonna put that big piano on the fritz!
Listen, Bart, there's something I've got to tell you.
I never made one of these before and the stuff that I put in there,
well, it's a kind of a revolutionary principle.
It might be dangerous. It might even be atomic.
Atomic? Might blow up?
If it starts smoking, you get away from it fast!
Come on, Paderewski. It's time.
Name, please? Johnny Hall.
One hundred forty-two.
Name, please? Phil Cook.
Two hundred.
Keep those boys moving. Get that line going.
Name, please? J-J-Jones. Johnny Jones.
Seat number 147. Name, please?
Smith. Sammy Smith.
Seat number 409.
Here's the number one boy. Name, please? Collins.
Bart Collins.
I must have...
I must have seen you somewhere before.
- Seat number one. - Thank you, Mother.
Name, please?
Jim Tierney.
Attention! Attention everyone in the Terwilliker Institute!
Down below me, joyful and eager,
my students are awaiting our date with destiny.
They will not fail, for I shall not fail.
♪ Come on and dress me dress me, dress me ♪
♪ In my finest array ♪
♪ 'Cause just in case you haven't heard ♪
♪ Today is do-me-do day ♪
♪ Dress me in my silver garters Dress me in my diamond studs ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm going do-me-doing in my do-me-do duds ♪
♪ I want my undulating undies with the marabou frills ♪
♪ I want my beautiful bolero with the porcupine quills ♪
♪ I want my purple nylon girdle with the orange blossom buds ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm going do-me-doing in my do-me-do duds ♪
♪ Come on and dress me dress me, dress me ♪
♪ In my peekaboo blouse ♪
♪ With the lovely interlining made of Chesapeake mouse ♪
♪ I want my polka-dotted dickey with the crinoline fringe ♪
♪ For I'm going do-me-doing on a do-me-do binge ♪
♪ I want my lavender spats and in addition to them ♪
♪ I want my honey-colored gusset with the herringbone hem ♪
♪ I want my softest little jacket made of watermelon suede ♪
♪ And my long, persimmon placket with the platinum braid ♪
♪ I want my leg-of-mutton sleeves and in addition to those ♪
♪ I want my cutie chamois booties with the leopard skin bows ♪
♪ I want my pink-brocaded bodice with the fluffy, fuzzy ruffs ♪
♪ And my gorgeous bright blue bloomers with the monkey feather cuffs ♪
♪ I want my organdie snood and in addition to that ♪
♪ I want my chiffon Mother Hubbard lined with Hudson Bay rat ♪
♪ Dress me up from top to bottom ♪
♪ Dress me up from tip to toe ♪
♪ Dress me up in silken spinach for today is do-me-do ♪
♪ Do-me-do day Do-me-do day ♪
♪ So come and dress me in the blossoms of a million pink trees ♪
♪ Come on and dress me up in liverwurst and Camembert cheese ♪
♪ Come on and dress me up in pretzels ♪
♪ Dress me up in bock beer suds ♪
♪ 'Cause he's going ♪ ♪ 'Cause I'm going ♪
♪ Do-me-doing ♪
♪ In my do-oh-oh-oh ♪ ♪ In his do-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪ ♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Me-do duds ♪ ♪ Me-do duds ♪
Boys, please, may I have your attention?
Dear boys, I give you...
your lovable leader, Dr. Terwilliker!
This is my day!
Five thousand little fingers...
all playing together on my piano!
Every finger obedient to the whim of me, the master!
Every infinitesimal,
microscopic piece of living tissue...
on those 5,000 little fingers...
cringing and trembling and groveling before me!
Before me, Dr. Terwilliker,
as I raise my baton!
We shall play.
Raise hands!
We shall play the most beautiful piece ever written.
I wrote it. "Ten Happy Fingers."
Ready now?
A-one and a-two and a-three and a-play!
And a-play! And a-play!
And a-play! And a-play! And a-play! And a-play!
What in blazes is going on here?
All right. Raise hands.
Ready now?
A-one and a-two and a-three and a-play!
And a-play! And a-play! And a-play! And a-play!
The idiotic, cockeyed flumdummery!
Cockeyed flumdummery! Cockeyed flumdummery!
Don't stand there like a ruddy monolith!
Monolith! Monolith!
Monolith! Monolith! Monolith! Monolith!
You, you, you, you! You, you, you, you!
You lunkheads! You lunkheads! You lunkheads!
What's that?
What's that you've got in your hand there, Collins? You're finished!
You're washed up! You can't make us play! I can't, can't I?
Can't I? Can't I? Can't I? Can't I? Can't I? Can't I?
No ridiculous, little, half-pint pipsqueak can dare twit Dr. Terwilliker!
Dr. Terwilliker! Dr. Terwilliker!
The founder of Terwilliker Institute!
Terwilliker Institute! Five hundred boy piano!
Boy piano! Boy piano! Boy piano! Boy piano!
Whatever that inexplicable phenomenon in your hand may be,
you hand over that inexplicable phenomenon to me!
If you come any closer, I'll blow you to smithereens!
Is it... Is it atomic? Yes, sir.
- Very atomic! - Atomic?
Take it away! Take it away!
- Will you free my mother? - Free his mother!
- Will you free my father? - Free his father!
Will you free us kids? Yes!
All 500 of you can go free! Everybody!
Lock him up in the dungeon, forever!
Hey, kids! Kids!
We will now play the most beautiful piece ever written. Shall we?
Ready now!
One and a-two and a-three and a-play!
Hey, scram, everybody! I think she's gonna blow!
No, no! No, no!
No, no! No!
No, no! No! No, no!
No! No! No... Hey, Bart.
Bart, snap out of it. Wake up.
What's the matter with you?
The bomb! The bomb! Are you all right?
Bomb? What bomb?
Holy gosh, I must have doped off, Pop.
"Pop"?
I mean Mr. Zabladowski.
What happened, partner? Did you hurt your thumb? Sure, when you hurt yours.
Me? Oh, I never...
I'll be darned. How'd that happen? Don't you remember anything?
You better get back to practicing.
Gee, Ma, you sure look pretty.
Doesn't she, Mr. Zabladowski?
I have some shopping downtown.
Would you mind dropping me? I'd be happy to, Mrs. Collins.
You know, I got a feeling I... Yeah, me too.
Hey, how'd you like to go fishing with me this weekend, Bart?
For big-mouth bass? Oh, sure, sure, if it's okay with your ma.
You got a deal. Yeah, but you get back to practicing,
so she won't get sore when I ask her if you can go. Okay.
And I'll bring the penicillin. Penicillin?
No, we're gonna fish with worms. I'll bring it, just in case.
I'm ready, Mr. Zabladowski. Coming, Mrs. Collins.
So long, partner. So long.
Penicillin.
Sporty boy! Hiya, Sport.